I’m following suit with my two other Uprooted ladies in taking to our blog once again, following a rather long silence. Mine has been entirely appropriate in a way for the theme of this blog, given that my absence has been down to feeling uprooted myself.
I’ve been back doing reshoots for the film I was on last year, which have been like two mini school reunions, with a crew of people unexpectedly back together once again. Given that we were a happy crew, it’s been a really fun experience, and I’ve enjoyed part two of the job almost more than the original shoot- helped by the fact it’s now spring and we can all get up at 5am in the light. As usual, even though we’re working, everyone’s mind is on what’s next. What have you been on? What are you going on to? Reassuringly, many people I spoke to have been in a similar position to me and aren’t sure what their next move is. I’ve been in kind of limbo for the last few months going through an interview process for a job I would have loved to get. On my final day of work yesterday I found out I hadn’t made the final cut. I was gutted, but begin quickly to realize that the feelings of powerlessness I’d been experiencing were easing. The decision had been made for me and I felt freed.
Yesterday ended up being a bombshell of a day and one I could never have anticipated waking up that morning. On my way down to the station, I walked within a foot of my ex-boyfriend who I haven’t seen in three years. He was my first love, the first man I lived with, and the relationship ended being a very destructive one that has taken the best part of the time since to recover from. I’ve always imagined what it would be like to bump into him, but nothing could have prepared me for the reality of what it would actually be like. Firstly I saw him in an entirely unexpected environment- my own turf. He was also with another woman. We walked passed each other like strangers, him up the hill towards the flat we used to share. I walked round the corner and stood dumbstruck and in shock for fifteen minutes, missing my train for work. So many thoughts went through my head. The most predominant one being- what the hell are the chances of that happening in a city as busy and large as London? What if I’d left the house ten minutes early when I should have? We could have been too small dots narrowly missing each other, with both being none the wiser. I personally don’t believe in fate or serendipity, but it was hard not to in that moment. I’d just experienced the thing I’d feared most for three years and it sent me into a tailspin.
I made the decision to ask to see him. Risky? Yes, given how poorly our post-break up attempts have gone in the past. I know that neither of us really got closure after our time together, and it’s something I’ve regretted. Cue 5.30pm as I walk to meet him. The experience was a surreal one. I was nervous, but I was also confident I could get what I felt I’d been missing. If you cut someone out of your life, I think it’s very easy when you think about him or her, to still think of yourself how you were then. I sat opposite the man I thought I’d wanted to marry and have children with and realized how much we’ve both changed and grown up/grown apart. I thought an hour wouldn’t be enough time to say all the things we had to, but in reality, there wasn’t a whole lot to be said, which did seem strange given how close we once were. I got the apology I’ve always needed, and he got forgiveness. We hugged goodbye and went in opposite directions. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my conscience and that I’d finally let go of the past that has haunted me in my life and my subsequent relationships.
All change. What’s next?